I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
