I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
