I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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