i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I currently don't understand fingers.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
