he was CRYING into my vagina
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize