So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
