Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
