definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
