im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
