I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
