Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
