I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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