Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
