I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
