from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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