i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
accomplished twins. life is a go
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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