Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize