Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize