We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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