420 ftw
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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