I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize