If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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