You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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