you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
