tell your sister to shave her snatch
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
