my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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