haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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