since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize