so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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