I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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