Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
