She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
