I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
