i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
