I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
