She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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