My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
