Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
