All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
