is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
