i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
