meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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