Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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