Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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