why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
