My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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