A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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