how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
