Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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