I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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