says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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