I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
