HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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