I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
