I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
