My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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