That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
