Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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