Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
