So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
