I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
