How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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