I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
